


Walking After Midnight

by inbatcountry17



Series: The Commander and Central [2]
Category: The Bureau: XCOM Declassified (Video Game), XCOM (Video Games) & Related Fandoms, XCOM: Enemy Unknown (2012)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-22 04:56:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 49
Words: 13,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7420795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inbatcountry17/pseuds/inbatcountry17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Commander wakes in a world far different than the one he remembers. He records his thoughts and feelings of the events that follow.</p><p>Editing finished: February 9, 2017.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awake

I have been awake for all of thirteen hours, and wish I could be put back to sleep. It’s a fatalistic response, one I suspect will pass in time, but something I can’t help at present. If I do one selfish thing in the coming days it will be allow myself to wallow in self-pity for a few more hours.

Everything I have ever known has been lost in the blink of an eye. It’s funny though. Out of everything I’ve lost I think it’s my dog that I mourn for the most. I found her on the side of the road five—no, thirty—years ago. This mangy little German Shepard missing an ear. I couldn’t bring myself to abandon her at the kennel.

It’ll be two days before the medic assigned to me will even try to let me do some physical therapy, if I even need it. There are too many unknowns with my condition and not enough collective medical knowledge on this ship to even begin puzzling it out. All we can do is hope for the best. Not exactly comforting. At least I can still move my fingers and toes. That seems to be a good sign.

Central hasn’t returned since I woke up for the first time. I have to confess that I didn’t recognize him right away. I’d like to blame it on being too disoriented, but the truth is that the years have changed him to the point where he’s almost unrecognizable. Even with that brief meeting I can tell that only a shadow of his old self remains. I’m not going to lie, I’m going to miss the sweater clad dork.


	2. Back In The Saddle

My first op since waking up went smoothly.

I suppose.

If you don’t count Rookie Winters **[addendum: Winters, Jay R.]** panicking and nearly putting a few rounds into Squaddie Kelly’s back. Thankfully he missed. Though the ordeal has left him shaken. The Rookie has made himself scarce since he made it back to the ship. A quick glance at the surveillance cameras shows him hiding near the armory. I think for now it would be best if he remains out of active combat duty for the next few missions. Just until he can sort himself out.

Situations like this are why I prefer to personally evaluate my soldiers before sending them out into the field. My rotten luck was the only reason that didn’t happen. As Central was showing me how the new hologlobe worked we were hit with a prime opportunity to disrupt ADVENT operations. It was just too good to pass up just because I hadn’t met the crew yet.

At least everyone made it back in one piece.


	3. Circus

I am not the commander of an elite guerilla resistance unit. I am the ringleader of a circus. Central doesn’t seem to realize, or at least he’s too used too it to care. He swears this is the best the resistance has to offer. I suspect it’s the best of the ones crazy enough to volunteer for duty on the Avenger.

I’m still not sure why we haven’t been shot out the sky yet. Shen went on about stealth systems, but I’m not confident that would stop ADVENT from finding us. They’d have to have ways to bypass their own stealth tech. Right?

I digress.

Central seems to be familiar with everyone and has the kind of camaraderie that comes from sharing drinks after hard missions. I neither drink, nor have the time to sit in a bar doing nothing. Perhaps that could change sometime down the line. The best I can do now is brief conversations here and there and ship wide addresses.


	4. Nightmares

I have a problem. One I’m not entirely sure what to do about. The only thing I can think of is to consult with Tygan, but what can he do? Does the Avenger have sleeping pills in its limited inventory? I doubt it.

I slept soundly for the first week or so. Then I suppose it got easier to remember. The simulations, and what happened when I wasn’t in ADVENT’s equivalent of the Matrix. Vague things like the surgery where they implanted the chip, but also a small cell. I don’t know how long I was there, or how long the Elders ‘interrogated’ me. It’s still all blurry, but it’s enough to keep me awake at night.

Lots of people have nightmares. There are so many that have been traumatized. I fear their solutions are similar to Central’s. Get drunk until you either pass out or forget about it. I refuse to do the same.

I’ll just stay awake until I can’t anymore. It’s not a healthier solution, but the only one I’m willing to work with.


	5. Vahlen

I’m nervous. That’s a thing I haven’t felt in a long time. Somewhere around my mid-thirties things just stopped fazing me.

What is the source of the feeling? Why only a message from Dr. Moira Vahlen. That woman terrifies my on a good day. The idea that she’s been on her own, with no supervision is downright horrifying. I can only imagine the kind of things we’ll find in her lab. Central, bless him, is only focusing on Vahlen herself. He’s so goddamned _happy_ to hear form her. That might have something to do with the relationship they were absolutely, in no way engaged in during the war, and for who know how long after.

I’m not **[REDACTED]**

Central isn’t entirely wrong. It is a good thing that we have confirmation she is alive. Lack of moral forethought aside, she is a brilliant scientist. Tygan is both intelligent and a welcome calm personality, but we can always use more help. You never know, they might balance each other out.


	6. Avenger Chat Log: Vahlen Aftermath

**Commander Weir:** She can’t help herself.

**CO Bradford:** No, Commander.

**Commander Weir:** That’s doesn’t mean I’m not going to strangle her the next time I see her.

**CO Bradford:** No you’re not.

**Commander Weir:** We’ll see.

**Commander Weir:** You’re really not angry?

**CO Bradford:** Tygan gave me some great painkillers after he patched me up. I’m feeling pretty laid back.

**Commander Weir:** Good to hear. I think.

**Co Bradford:** I _am_ upset we didn’t find her.

**Commander Weir:** Me too.

**CO Bradford:** Because you want to kill her.

**Commander Weir:** I didn’t say kill. I said strangle.

**Commander Weir:** That aside, I do want to bring her back into the fold.

**CO Bradford:** Is that all?

**Commander Weir:** I’m not sure I follow?

**CO Bradford:** Nothing, Commander. I’m tired. I’d like to get some rest.

**Commander Weir:** Of course. Get better soon. Alexander’s a worse pilot than you are.


	7. Family

There’s seven of the fuckers. Seven Winters siblings on this ship. Four are soldiers, two are engineers, and one is a scientist. It seems like there’s another one every time I turn around.

This wasn’t by design of course. No one would be crazy enough to assign a whole family to one posting. Unfortunately the Resistance isn’t as organized as it could be. They were all surprised to see one another on board.

So far it’s been fine. They’re hard working, and they get along like they’re the best friends. 

Except for Jay. 

I’ve observed him withdrawing the more his siblings are around. Central tells me it might be due to lack of familiarity. Jay had gotten separated from his family as a toddler, and until recently had lived in an ADVENT city with a adopted parents. I’m sure being the youngest doesn’t help.

To be honest, I’m not sure what to do about Jay. Central has taken him to the shooting range to help improve his aim, but the kid seems to have given up. I fear that first mission shook him more than I realized. I’m hesitant to just kick him off the ship. It might affect the morale of his brothers and sisters. Central still has him in the armory. The reports say he’s becoming a fair weaponsmith. I almost wonder if it’s worth talking to Shen about moving him to engineering under an apprenticeship.


	8. Montoya

Montoya, Harvey W. is both the best soldier on this ship, and the most concerning. He isn’t an ADVENT spy. I’m confident in that. He claims to be an ex-member of a technology-worshipping cult. A cult he won’t tell anyone the name of, and no one can even guess at the identity of. The concern comes from the idea that he might still be apart of it. The Avenger, and the tech we work with are all things I could imagine such a cult would dream to get their hands on.

I haven’t noticed any thefts so all I can do is take his word for it. The man’s a brilliant specialist that we can’t afford to lose at this point. His willingness to work with rookies makes him even more valuable on top of that.

All I can do is keep an eye on him.


	9. Julian

Lily drank herself unconscious. Central had to carry her back to her bunk. I think it’ll take a few days to recover from the nasty shock she’s been given. Once she does I can only imagine the things she’ll cook up in her shop.

The SPARK is a valuable edition to our arsenal. The damn thing has already saved lives. I predict it will save even more in the future.

Which brings me to the other thing we unfortunately picked up from the mission. A small piece of Julian has been isolated, and contained. I’m tempted to order Lily to immediately destroy it. The idea of it escaping into the Avenger is one that I do not need. The sad part is that I think Lily, in spite of everything, cares for the AI. In a way, it is her brother. With no other family to speak of, it would be all too easy to latch on to one of the last connections she has to her father.

I remember the old base AI. Julian had been a simple thing then. It understood commands and could hold simple conversations, like talking to a small child. I was the only other person besides Raymond who was allowed to directly interact with it. Central doesn’t know this, but it was because of Julian the senior staff was able to escape. The AI helped me funnel the aliens away from the escape tunnels. We had to remain behind to do it.

After everyone was out, I had intended to kill us both before we could be captured, but Julian stopped me. It had somehow managed to take control of one of the SHIVs that was guarding my back. Bastard kept me pinned until the aliens arrived, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I’d be lying if I said that Raymond’s last message hadn’t affected me. Hearing him talk about how things fell apart after my kidnapping felt like a punch to the gut.

It’s all my fault. Mine and Julian’s.

 

 


	10. History

Some people aren’t as pleased about my return as others. The consensus among my detractors seems to be that I don’t deserve the command position. That I haven’t earned it. I appreciate it when people say what they're thinking to my face, but Central looked like he was about ready to bust some heads. How protective he is of me is as endearing as it is unnecessary.

I don’t blame them for their thoughts. Hell, it had occurred to me that I could be some kind of sleeper agent. The thought still worries me. Central isn’t blind to the idea. I think it’s part of the reason he watches me like a hawk.

But the idea that I haven’t earned my position is galling. I was a Green Beret and a goddamn General. I earned every promotion I ever received. Some of these people have declared themselves kings and queens in the absence of anyone to stop them. The ones that haven’t have little to know command experience because, apparently, the best military minds we had are either dead or serving ADVENT. 

I say all of this, but there is that nasty skeleton in the closet I’ve thrown some coats over and done my best to pretend doesn’t exist. That skeleton is now whispering the word ‘nepotism’ into my ear. I am here, because my grandfather was _there_. 

A part of me still can’t believe the Ethereals are behind it all. From what little I’ve managed to find out about the first invasion, it just doesn’t make sense. 

Where is **[REDACTED]**?

Is he still here?


	11. Retaliation

Well, that didn’t take long. ADVENT finally decided enough was enough, and attacked one of the Resistance’s little shantytowns. The death toll was unfortunately high. We saved as many as we could, but the town itself is little more than ashes at this point. I’m told that they’ll probably build there again in the future. Sometime after the ashes cool.

A week ago Tygan was musing about how the Elders see us. I think it’s safe to say that we are officially seen as a threat. They wouldn’t risk sacrificing their public image otherwise. The Speaker’s speech will only sway people so much with all the senseless devastation they inflicted. .

The survivors of the attack are huddled around the ship, shaken and wounded. We did what we could to make them comfortable. I hope the settlement we are taking them to can do more for them. 

Central’s friend, codenamed: Den Mother, survived, but is in critical condition in the AWC. He visits her whenever he gets a spare moment. She isn’t the first person he’s cared for to be hurt, or worse, and she won’t be the last. He makes friends wherever he goes, he can’t help but care. You’d think the years of hardship would have beaten that out of him, but Central is one of those people who feels deeply about things. It’s why he drinks, to get away from it all, because he can’t manage it without help.

I wish there was something I could do. His constant drinking **[addendum: and that of the entire crew, come to think of it]** is a problem. In more ways than one. I fear if I have to take action it will damage the goodwill between us.


	12. Brother

I am not angry. 

I am not. 

I would say that I’m disappointed, but that’s not quite right either. I’m not even that surprised. I guess I’m just tired. Very, very tired.

At approximately 21:00, Chief Engineer Lily Shen put the Avenger and its entire crew in danger when she uploaded the fragment of Julian’s personality into a brand new SPARK unit. She claims she has it under control, with protocols and firewalls, but the risk she took was a large one. Not only that, but I was not consulted.

Lily is lucky she’s irreplaceable. _Julian_ is lucky we can’t just trash SPARKS willy-nilly given the resource cost that goes into making one. Though, that doesn’t mean Central isn’t advocating turning the thing into scrap anyway.

Julian will remain for now. I’ve got Captain Maria Winters and Corporal Baker assigned as Julian’s watchdogs. One specializes in computers and AI systems, the other in blowing things up. Hopefully they will be enough to keep Julian in line should his new programming fail.

We’re playing with fire here, and I’m not confident that we won’t be burned before this is over.

 

 


	13. The King Is Dead, Long Live The King

His royal majesty, The Viper King, ambushed Kelly’s squad during the supply raid last night. It was a knock down, smack down fight that only ended when Montoya got one of the luckiest shots I’ve ever seen on the alien’s vitals. Of course he claims it was all skill, but I know bravado when I see it.

They hauled the corpse back with the rest of the much appreciated supplies. I wouldn’t go so far as to call Tygan ‘giddy’ to preform the autopsy, but I could tell his curiosity was killing him.

It was all routine. New information on our enemy was gathered, secrets were learned, and then Montoya had to make it weird by suggesting we use its skin for a new suit of armor.

You could hear a pin drop.

Tygan broke the silence by reluctantly admitting that its hide would afford a solider a lot of protection. In theory. Provided it was treated and prepared in the right way. It was at that point Central left the room. Not in any kind of protest. More in a ‘washing my hands of the whole thing’ sort of way. In short, he left the decision up to me.

Montoya’s reasoning is an attractive one. It’s something I’m sure most of the crew would agree with when they hear about it. It all comes down to scare tactics. ADVENT has used them plenty against us, why not return the favor? It would certainly put the fear of god into the hearts of the Vipers to see one of our people wearing their King’s skin as a spiffy suit.

I think Lily summed up the whole thing best when she heard the suggestion:

_"Gross.”_


	14. Disagreement

Given our history and temperaments it was only a matter of time before Julian and I butted heads. I generally try to avoid the AI, but Shen was working on him, and I needed to see her about an experimental armor design.

Long story short, I tossed him across engineering.

I’m usually more discreet with my psi abilities, but, well, even I have a limit to how much I can take. The night of my capture is a bit of a touchy subject for me. In the process of accidentally destroying a number of Lily’s projects I also discovered that she was unaware of my _uniqueness._

I had to explain to her that I had psionic abilities long before my capture. My hesitation to tell her my own history as it relates to the XCOM project has no doubt planted a seed of mistrust. One that I’m sure Julian will capitalize on. I need to be careful in how I proceed with my Chief Engineer. The last thing I need is an attempted mutiny.

This begs the question of just how much does everyone know? And by ‘everyone’, I mean Central. The Avenger’s crew knows jack and the rest of the resistance knows even less. I can’t help but wonder how much, if at all, the Spokesman filled him in. I’d ask Central directly, but I would like to avoid the awkward conversation that would ensue in the event that he doesn’t know. I’d ask the Spokesman if I could contact him whenever I desired, or if I trusted how secure the transmission between us is. I'm on my own here.

I have to move forward with the idea that the Spokesman and I are the only two humans alive who know about the events that took place in 1962. Which means the continued hidden existence of **[REDACTED]** is to be my highest priority. No one can know. They wouldn’t take the time to understand.


	15. Blacksite

The Blacksite mission went about as smoothly as expected. After wrangling the location out of the local resistance cell--a process which involved Central drinking the local leader under the table-- we made our move before our interest in the place could be leaked. Spies and security breaches are an all too likely obstacle.

The good news is that the facility is now in ruins, and we made off like bandits with brand new equipment, resources, and research material. The bad news is that we found the missing civilians.

We had assumed they had been abducted for slave labor. Turns out ADVENT is melting them down for who know what. It could be anything. I know Montoya is already betting that it goes into making the synthetic meat ADVENT is using. Tygan has been assuring the crew that this isn’t the case. He swears the ADVENT burgers are made from a type of nutrient paste. For all our sakes I hope he is correct.

While we were at the Blacksite I decided to kill two birds with one stone. Captain Winters successfully ‘Skulljacked’ an ADVENT Captain. To be completely honest I hadn’t expected direct consequences to the security breach. Teleporting in a phasing, AI(?) _thing_ caught me off guard. Not enough to do any serious damage to my people thankfully. This ‘Codex’ creates clones when it sustains minor damage, but a clean sniper shot to the head ended that quickly. Those things could be dangerous if they had support. It’s a damn good thing it was alone.

In any case, the doctor got both the Blacksite Vial and the Codex brain. He’s happy as a clam. I think. It’s difficult to tell with him sometimes.

Before either item can be researched a specialized lab needs to be built for them. This whole thing will take considerable time and resources, but we don’t really have a choice. Given what I saw at the Blacksite, I already know what’s in that vial, but confirmation is still required. Besides, you never know what other additional information we might glean from it.


	16. Self

Who am I if I am not me? The self changes constantly from one experience to the next. Who I am today is not the exact same person I was a week ago.

Am I still ‘me’ if there is more than just a ‘me’ here? Even if I don’t feel like I am more than I am?

I need to remember to delete this later.


	17. Quiet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some references to the XCOM 2 prequel book in this chapter.

We landed the Avenger to give the crew some time to stretch their legs. Central and I took a nice leisurely walk along a lake. It was all peaceful, up until I noticed just _how_ peaceful it was. No birds, no fish that I could see, no insects, no sign of any local wildlife. Apparently there is a contagion going around and no one thought to inform me.

According to Central it started not long after ADVENT got started. Reports say it’s a strange crystalline substance that affects not only animals, but plants as well. What’s even more interesting is that ADVENT is terrified of it. They kill animals and burn whole forests down to try and contain it. The resistance has actually capitalized on their fear in the past by carefully operating within quarantine zones as ADVENT rarely enters them.

This contagion and ADVENT's control methods have driven down the wildlife population across the world. That explains ADVENT’s synthetic meat products and the resistance’s rations comprising almost entirely of plants. True meat has become an unfortunately rare commodity.

I would have liked to have known about this earlier, but I suppose it doesn’t have any direct impact with the war effort. I can see why Central didn’t think it was a priority for me to know.  

Still, something that has ADVENT afraid makes me wonder. I’ve asked Tygan, and the contagion has been an interest of his, but he hasn’t had the time to investigate. I almost want to order someone to look into it.

The present war is important to focus on, yes, but what comes after is equally so. We need to seriously consider the state of the planet sooner rather than later. From the sounds of it ADVENT and the contagion have wiped out entire species and ecosystems. If it goes on there might not be a whole lot left to win.

 

 


	18. Incompetance

Everything is going so damn well. Suspiciously well. I’ve actually upped security, and am driving my communication officers insane with my constant need for more intel. We successfully raided a downed UFO. Instead of celebrating like everyone else, I demanded that all the new equipment be triple checked for bugs, and dumped at the nearest resistance outpost to be checked again. We picked everything up after a few days, minus what the outpost took in fees. My paranoia was not warranted. I think I’m driving everyone up the wall.

I can’t say I disagree. A little paranoia is a healthy thing. Too much is a waste of time. I need to rein it in.

It just doesn’t make sense. ADVENT shouldn’t be this dumb, this careless. From the stories some of the vets have told me, ADVENT is supposed to be as menacing as it is intelligent.

They look incompetent to me.

Central didn’t say it, but I can tell he’s thinking it too. The best theory I can come up with is that when I was rescued it required a ‘change in management’, so to speak. Whoever or whatever it is that replaced me isn’t doing a very good job of it. I think ADVENT knows it too. More and more of their forces are being supplemented with robotics and aliens.

But the robotics are as intelligent as the ADVENT ‘drones’, and the mutons don’t seem like they’re big thinkers. We’re cutting our way through our opposition like it’s child’s play.

Just more evidence that I should have died in the HQ like I had planned. Earth would have been better off.


	19. Psionics

Tygan wants to build our own Psionics Lab. He’s more than confident that humans have what it takes to wield the same power that the Sectoid, Ethereals, and Zudjari. He isn’t wrong. William Carter and my grandfather both had the ability after **[REDACTED]** kickstarted it.

I’ve okayed the creation of a lab. Central and Lily looked a little offput, but neither voiced their complaints. They don’t like it, but they understand the need for it. Genetic manipulation is a moral gray area that the Elders have taken to an extreme level with their own forces. **[Addendum: though strangely they do not have ADVENT with psi abilities. Why is that?]** We need to think wisely as we go forward. Questions of humanity, and what we are willing to sacrifice for victory need to be kept in mind.


	20. Volunteer

I do not believe I’ve ever had Central this upset with me before. It is not a pleasant experience.  

The Psi Lab is operational, and I’ve spent the last few days vetting likely candidates. We need to be careful who we choose to give these powers to. The last thing we need is a psychopath running around with mind magic.

Jay Winters was on the list. According to Tygan he has the most sensitivity out of anyone on the Avengers. Aside from me, that is.

Rookie Winters has calmed down considerably since his first disastrous outing, and appears content to remain in the armory. However when I interviewed him he was perceptive to the idea of becoming XCOM’s first field Psi Operative since the sixties. After a couple of days and more interviews and tests, I approved his application. Tygan shuffled him off to the Psi Lab to begin the process immediately.

I did not count on how pissed off Central would be over it. He’s been close to the Winters family for sometime. From what I understand he’s known most of them since they were little. His objection to putting Jay in the Psi Lab is too little, too late. Even if it wasn’t, I’d have probably dismissed it anyway. It was ultimately Jay’s decision.

It’s been a day since the Rookie went into the ‘cell’. He appears to be doing alright, if not a little bored. He was ecstatic to have a visitor, even if it was his commanding officer. Apparently his family took to the idea of him receiving Psionics as well as Central did.

I suspect part of the reason Jay wants this is to be different from the rest of them. More than that, he wants to be useful. He’s a godawful shot, isn’t strong enough for an LMG, doesn’t have the head for hacking or medicine, and he doesn’t like explosives. This is the kid’s last shot to make something of himself. I normally would have tossed his file into the reject bin if it weren’t for the determination in his eyes. Jay wants this. Who am I to stand in his way?

 

 


	21. Limit

The gauntlet has been thrown, and the lines have been drawn. I have ordered an official drink limit be enforced at all times. It’s better than prohibition, but only the lightest of weights is getting drunk under the imposed limits. Tygan didn’t bat an eyelash, Lily understood, Central is barely containing is cool, and the crew is two steps away from rioting.

I think I’ve done a fine job of making myself out to be a villain.

It’s not like I wanted it to be this way. But you know what? The third time emergency operations were disrupted because some people have no sense of proportion is three times too many. If they can’t impose their own limits, I will enforce them. We cannot afford this kind of nonsense. Not when people’s lives are at stake. They’re lucky I didn’t ban alcohol entirely.

I am worried about Central though. From what I’ve heard he’s been a hard drinker for twenty years. I’ll have to keep a close eye on him.

Given a few days I hope the atmosphere around the ship will calm down. I think it would be best if I give them something to distract them. I mean, aside from counter ADVENT operations. I’ve got a few ideas, but they’re going to take a little finagling. Hopefully I can keep the peace long enough to make them realities.


	22. Caught

Well, we were finally tracked down. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You can only prepare so much for something like this.

But when the first shot knocked me to the ground and the emergency lights came on, I had a flashback to the attack on HQ twenty years ago. That’s what compartmentalization is for. I managed to get ahold of myself and see our defense through. 

As much as I hate to say it, Montoya deserves a damn medal for his efforts out there. He and Captain Maria Winters pushed through enemy lines to get to the EMP device, and when she took a hit from a Codex, he dragged her back to the ship even while dealing with his own injuries.

ADVENT sent a lot our way. They must have been planning this for months. Looks like I was right to be paranoid. I can't decide if it was because of my paranoia that they failed or not. Probably not, I'll need to consult with my second opinion, but he's down in Engineering pretending he understands everything Lily is saying to him. On the bright side I don't think ADVENT will be trying something like this again anytime soon. Even they will need to time to get together their resources for another operation on this scale.

But after everything was said and done, I remembered something I had forgotten. A voice. Not mine, I don’t think. I haven’t been able to forget it since.

_“You’ve damned everyone. Including yourselves.”_

Somewhere in a nice English countryside there’s a forest that’s covered in ADVENT corpses and blood. My people fought damn well. I have no doubt that they will continue to do so. We may even win this war. But there is no light on the other end of this tunnel for us. The Earth may recover in time, but it will not be in our lifetime. The voice is right. We are truly damned.


	23. Snake Skin

Montoya is a grisly man. Since it was his idea we let him wear the finished Serpent Suit. He was grinning like a little kid during the whole VIP Rescue mission. As predicted, the single Viper we encountered panicked, and made a would-be bad situation more manageable.

That was until the Berserker Queen arrived. Kelly and Baker are in the infirmary, but everyone escaped with their lives. Have I mentioned how goddamned furious I am with Vahlen? That woman needs to be locked up stat.

I hate to say it, but the Serpent Suit did help during the fight. The Frostbite lash froze a shield bearer so the team could focus on the Queen in peace. Montoya’s came back to the Avenger smug as hell.

In other news, the VIP we rescued turned out to be a blast from the past. It was former Brigadier General Emily Gray, an old acquaintance of mine. She had taken the Spokesman’s route and remained quiet during the ADVENT takeover. Gray had been passing information to the resistance on the sly, but her cover was broken by a mole in the resistance. A troubling development I need to look further into.

Gray was so pleased to see me that she pulled me into a bear hug. Which was a surprise as I hadn’t realized we were on a hugging basis. I suppose twenty years of absence makes the heart grow fonder. Last I saw her she was spitting curses over my appointment as Commander of XCOM.

We caught up over lunch after Tygan removed the tracking implants. It was because of the Spokesman and Gray that I was found. The reports they got their hands on never mentioned me by name, but everything in the documents fit the the scant information that the Resistance had gathered about my condition. 

We dropped Gray off at Resistance HQ this morning. She departed after telling me to ‘beware sleepwalking’. Whatever the hell that means. Possibly related to the Sleepwalkers? That shit isn’t starting up again is it? I’ve got enough problems as it is.


	24. Crew Relations

It is currently four days, five hours, and twenty-three minutes since I became enemy number one to the majority of the crew. Morale is at an all time low, paranoia is high, and patience is running thin. And that’s just how I’m doing.

The crew has taken it upon themselves to make my life as much of a living hell as I have made theirs. Not to where operations are disrupted, but they’re making their point. I will continue to allow this nonsense as long as no one takes it too far. I’m sure Central will keep them in line.

So far they have cut me off from my coffee supplies due to an ‘error’ with the inventory. Power to the lights in my office fluctuate at odd intervals, and my alarm clock seems to be mysteriously malfunctioning in such a way that no one can figure out the problem. Go figure.

On the bright side, Jay Winter has come out of the ‘cell’. Tygan has given him a clean bill of health beyond the bizarre pigmentation loss to his hair and new eye color. I’ve been spending my free time helping him come to grips with his new abilities. Everything is progressing slowly but smoothly. He’s always so damned excited with every little bit of progress he makes. I have to admit that I’m proud of him too.

At least ADVENT has been mostly quiet. Pranks aside, I’m kind of bored. I’ve taken to wandering the ship. Alien architecture tends to be cold, dark, and sterile. The Avenger could not be any more different just by the virtue of humans occupying the space. Homemade lanterns have been strung up in places to provide more light. Some artistic person has been making a beautiful mural of a sunset in the stairwell. There’s graffiti art in a corner of the hanger where someone has set up a small lounge area. There’s decorations, music playing, and life in every corner of this ship.

Given the crew’s current attitude towards me, I haven’t gotten to know them in the ways I had hoped. That isn’t to say that I haven’t gotten to know them. I stumbled on Hansen and Evelyn Winters together in a storage closet. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone go that shade of red before. I discovered Baker could win an Olympic gold medal for swearing, and O’Reilly is an expert smuggler. Her hopes of opening a speakeasy on board have been sadly dashed. I think I’ve seen the side of the crew that they wouldn’t have normally wanted to present to people, which has its own advantages. 

As for Central, he hasn’t exactly been ignoring me, he’s too professional to do that, but the only times he speaks to me is when it’s work related. It has occurred to me more than once that I’m being a tad unreasonable, and have considered revising the drink limit. I would be lying if I said Central giving me the cold shoulder wasn’t a part of that. I don’t think he’s used to have someone actually pull rank on him. For the past twenty years he hasn’t had to answer to anyone. There was bound to be some friction.

**[addendum: I think he may have gone cold turkey.]**


	25. Forgiven

We made contact with another cell. They were in bad shape so we stuck around to help them out. I think this may be the first time I stepped foot in a settlement and didn’t get some disparaging remarks from someone. The local leader was so grateful that she jokingly proposed to me. I had to tell her I was flattered, but unavailable. Instead I invited her to dinner to go over ADVENT troop movement in the area.

As usual I was wide-awake that night. I wandered through the settlement until I noticed the sky. There was a satellite up there. Still working but sending data to nothing. A relic lost at sea.

I had always known, better than anyone, that space was swimming with monsters. Now that I had met some I can’t help but wonder just how many more are lurking out there.

That’s when Central showed up. He hasn’t been looking good these last few days, and he’s been hell to be around. I know full well why, of course. It’s the reason I pulled out the bottle of whiskey that I was gifted earlier, and handed it to him. It was the good stuff too, not the bathtub kind.

As silently as I offered, he turned it down. We sat together under the stars without saying a word to one another. The universe was filled with monsters, but I think it’ll be okay if Central stays right next to me. We can keep each other steady.

I must have fallen asleep at some point. I woke up this morning in an empty building in the settlement with a pillow and a blanket. For the first time in a while it was the sun that greeted me first thing in the morning. As bright as ever. It’s almost enough to fool me into thinking that things are going to turn out okay.

Almost


	26. Familiar Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stuff from the Bureau, and some speculation in this chapter.

We found the old HQ. And when I say the old HQ, I mean the _old_ HQ. The one from the sixties. I damn near lost it when I recognized the area we were in, and ordered a scan. There wouldn’t be any energy signatures, nor any electronics, but the ground scan turned up exactly what I thought. I interrupted Firebrand’s dinner so we could hop on the Skyranger before Central could get wind of what I was up to. 

I grabbed a team, too. I’m not that dumb. 

I got the first people I saw loitering around the armory. Montoya was among them, unfortunately, but Beggars can’t be choosers. I figured that at least if some debris fell on me I knew I’ve got a good field medic handy, assuming he didn’t pull the traitor card. Which he didn’t. 

Jay was there as well. He still works in the armory as a hobby more than anything else. People have given him a wide berth since he had emerged from the cell in the Psi Lab.

This was also Jay’s first official outing since the unpleasantness during the first mission. The kid was anxious as hell. Montoya, always looking to be helpful, annoyed him the whole trip until Jay forgot he was supposed to be nervous. By the time Firebrand managed to navigate the flight tunnel into the headquarters, Jay was steaming enough that he was the first one out of the Skyranger to set up a perimeter. Mission accomplished.

But before we entered the flight tunnel—the very same one my grandfather used to escape in the original Avenger—I got a livid call from Central that cut out the minute we went underground.

_Sorry, John._

Against all odds, the base was still somewhat intact, all things considered. I was told it was destroyed and unsalvageable. To me it looked like there was a lot of fighting and fire had burned through it, but ‘destroyed’ was stretching it a bit.

There was debris, but not an unmanageable amount. What really gave us pause was trying to pry open the security checkpoint doors. The first set was welded shut by the fire, but Montoya's GREMLIN sorted that out. The second set was already blown open. Probably by a grenade or two. There were fragments of long dead corpses around the immediate area.

When I set out to investigate the base I told myself it was to try and salvage any technology that could prove useful or interesting. But my feet followed the signs to the old Situation Room, and beyond that to the senior officers offices/quarters.

Carter and DaSilva’s office was the first I checked. They had seen very little in the way of fighting, everything was almost how the two men had left it. Including a picture of Agent DaSilva’s son. His ‘pride and joy’ as it said on the back of the photo. I never met anyone from DaSilva family personally, but I know the man recovered from the Sleepwalker sickness. A small happy ending.

That was when I ordered for someone to look for a box or a bag. No way in hell I was leaving everything. The personnel files were the first to get boxed.

Faulke kept few things in his office. From what I was told the man was a believer in burning everything that did not absolutely need to be kept. There were still some files, tapes, and blueprints that hadn’t met the torch yet. All of them boxed. I swept through every office, and had people going back and forth from the Skyranger carrying everything.

As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t preserve everything. I moved on to the science labs. They had seen the worst of the fighting. There was almost nothing left. My squad poked around a bit, but found only twisted remains. All the while I stared at the dead Elerium generator where they had kept **[REDACTED]**. It occurred to me then, that maybe there was an explanation to the Elder’s aggression after all. Not only was I asking the wrong questions, I was directing them to the wrong place.

How the fuck do you kill a being of pure psionic energy with just a revolver? You don’t. You can’t.

Motherfucker.


	27. William

Central’s upset with me again. All I ever seem to do is upset him lately. 

I dragged back the bones of a Zudjari corpse, and dumped it in with the rest of the cadavers for whenever the good doctor has the time. I have a hunch.

We’re laying low right now because I took the very same bomb Carter was planning on using, and blew the whole base sky high to get rid of the evidence. The last fucking thing I need is for ADVENT to start poking their mutated noses around it.

I spent the last hour sorting through files and ignoring Central’s questions. I had stopped and carefully read through Agent Carter’s file. My interest wasn’t purely academic. He is a centerpiece in XCOM’s history, and the man the man who tried to protect me. He scarified so much to protect me. All I ever did was spit in his face. 

I wouldn’t know this until much later, but in the end, he even did something he considered unthinkable in order to save me. I never even got a chance to thank him once I truly understood... 

Writing this has managed to depress me. I want to be angry after what I uncovered, but all I feel like doing is crying.

I think I’m going to stop ignoring Central now. I think I’m going to see if he’s up for having some dinner at eleven at night.

 

 


	28. Loyalty

I’m not much of a people person. It comes from an erratic childhood, or so all the councilors used to say during my evaluations. I know I can be an asshole. Like restricting peoples drinking habits or going off to gallivant in some dark hole in the ground for hours. Then ignoring the one person in the whole world who seems to want to stick by me.

It makes me wonder what I did to deserve him. Hell, to have even gained his loyalty. What was it that made this man decide he wouldn’t give up on me for two decades, and go through hell just to find me? I could ask him. He’d probably tell me. But I don’t think I actually want to know. Maybe some things are better to just accept, and move on.

I jokingly brought him back a sweater from the old HQ. It was a smidge too big for him, and it wasn’t the right shade, not to mention a turtleneck, but it put a smile on his face. Such a silly thing and just like that the whole incident was forgotten. Though not before he extracted my solemn promise that I wouldn’t do it again.

He can be reassured that I won’t. This was a special occasion. I am well aware that the military leader of the resistance cannot afford to be in the field, lest I be killed or captured. It’s already been established that ADVENT wants me back. I won’t risk it again.

I was just certain that the old HQ was safe. It was off the gird. No active generators, and it was connected to the Internet. No one had kept the records of its location after the Zudjari were gone.

Central is fast asleep on my couch right now, wearing the damn sweater over his regular clothes. He had put it on as a joke after saying he didn’t want my trip out to be a waste. Secretly, I think he was just pleased to receive a gift. I don’t think he’s gotten many sincere ones over the years.

We still need to have a serious talk about his relationship with alcohol, but for now I think I’ll preserve the peace for a little while longer. I can be an asshole again later.


	29. Psi Musings

Another day, another mission from the Spokesman. Lily is crunching the data we uncovered, Tygan is doing another autopsy, and Central is putting the Avenger through its paces. He really is getting better at piloting. Everyone else can make as many jokes as they want to, but the only way anyone is going to learn how to fly an alien craft is going to be through trial and error. It’s not like the aliens left a manual in plain English laying around for us.

Jay is improving by the day. He recently managed to refine the ability that we’ve dubbed ‘soul fire’ into becoming far deadlier. The results in the field have been amazing. What I find interesting is how his psionics seem to match what we’ve observed from the Sectoids. That is to say that it’s purple. Whereas mine have always been light blue in color. It’s a tad strange. Neither Tygan or I have any explanation. On the same note, Jay has tried and failed to reproduce my psi healing and battle focus. The latter ability being the secret to my success in leading tactical ops. I’ve refined it so much over the years that I don’t even have to be in the field to use it to assist my troops anymore.

I am pleased to say, however, that Jay is vastly more powerful than the Sectoids. Where we’ve only seen a handful of limited abilities from our alien friends, Jay keeps finding new tricks to try out. He’s shown a particular aptitude with the void rift. Something that has given ADVENT an endless amount of grief.

But I have to wonder what the difference is between the Sectoids, Jay, myself, and the Elders? Does psionic abilities change from person to person? Species to species? A combination? I have to say that I’m uncomfortable with the amount of unknowns here. I’ve repeatedly asked Jay to be careful in his experimentation. I can only hope he listens.


	30. Montoya Again

As much as a I hate to admit, Montoya is an exemplary medic and solid as a rock. He quickly becomes the backbone to any team he is on, even if someone else outranks him. He’s a damn fine shot even though that isn’t what he’s there for, and is a competent hacker if pressed.

Harvey Montoya is the best soldier on this ship. 

There I admitted it. 

And I can’t trust him. Not completely. Not as much as I would like. His background and radio silence on the topic is more than suspicious. Lily assures me he has had no contact with anyone on the outside since arriving on the Avenger. Likewise Tygan is certain that he has no tracking devices or bugs hidden on/in his person.

Truth be told he has had plenty of opportunity to kill us or seriously harm us and hasn’t done so.

I wouldn’t be dwelling on this if it wasn’t for the fact I found a slip of paper taped to the underside of the thermos I received with my breakfast, which I took alone in my quarters this morning.

Montoya wants to come clean, and has asked for my silence in the matter as what he has to say is of a sensitive nature. I’m curious enough to go for it, but not dumb enough not to take precautions. I’ll update later. When I have more information.


	31. Meeting Montoya

I had my meeting with Montoya in a clearing about a mile from the Avenger. It’s given me a lot to think about in terms of what's to come after the war. Surprise, surprise, none of it’s good.

The other thing, though, is that he _knows_. He and the people he used to work for. It’s a bit of an understatement to say that this is bad.

I will attempt to transcribe what Montoya said word for word by memory:

**[REDACTED]**


	32. Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> February 4th, 2017, this chapter was completely rewritten.

What gets me is how clean and organized ADVENT cities are, while out here it’s like Mad Max. We’re actually in Australia right now. Home sweet home, I suppose. I haven’t been here since I was eighteen. 

I would say I missed it, but I’ve never been sentimental about the places I’ve lived. Everywhere has its ups and downs. In my case, the biggest thing going against Australia are the ghosts I left. My mother, father, sister, my ‘uncle’. 

To this day, I don’t know what became of him. The man who protected me after my parents died. To thank him for everything he did for me, I beat his head in, ran off, and stole his first name. 

I didn’t know then what I know now. If I had, I wouldn’t have done any of it. But the past is the past and I cannot change it no matter how much I wish to.


	33. Clone Scare

I have once or twice entertained the possibility on sleepless nights that ADVENT had tried to clone me. Indeed, I had considered the idea that _I_ was a clone.  

I didn’t have the luxury of freezing up during the op. It was only when everyone was safely back on the skyranger that I allowed myself to really think on the implications of what we found. I wasn’t the only one. I could tell Central was considering much the same thing.

There was a moment where I thought he was going to order me locked up. It was just a moment. I think the important thing was that he didn’t let paranoia rule the day, and decided to wait for more information. I hope I would have done the same thing if our situations were reversed.

We raced down to meet the skyranger. All the while I kept thinking about what I might do if it turned out I was one of many clones. How does one go about trying to prove they are the original? Especially when we don’t know how the cloning technology works.

None of this matters, of course. Tygan quickly assured us that the thing in the stasis suit is in fact not a clone of me. It’s not anything, really. Not yet, anyway. We interrupted whatever development process it was going through. No clones. I can rest easy again. Or as easy as I ever do.

Central and I retired to my quarters to laugh about it over a nice glass of cold water. It quickly morphed into a discussion of Central’s drinking habits. I couldn’t quite stop myself from broaching the topic.

He was- I can’t really describe it. Best adjectives are uncomfortable, resigned. I’ll leave it at that. Central explained that he had stopped drinking, but only after consulting with Tygan. He was furious over my intervention. The whole crew was. It had been a long time since anyone had told them what to do quite like that. Even longer still, since someone with authority had put their foot down over that kind of behavior. I was right though, and they knew it. That’s part of what made them angry. Shame, I suppose.

After Central had calmed down and allowed himself to actually take my concerns into account, he had Tygan give him some new medication that helped with withdrawal symptoms. They work wonders apparently. A lot of the noncombatant crewmembers were on them now. The downside was that you can’t have any narcotics while on them. Not even painkillers. As long as he’s monitored he should be fine.

That’s when Central surprised me by turning the tables and asking me about my sleeping habits. There were really only three ways to respond to this. Be an asshole and shut the conversation down. Be evasive. The last was just tell him the truth.

I kind of wished he had asked me about what I found at the old HQ. That would have been easier to deal with.

I ended up doing a nice combination of all three things. He wasn’t impressed. Central didn’t press the issue much, but he did tell me to suck it up and go to Tygan like he did. Those were his parting words for the evening.

A good thing he left too. I don’t know how to say that I don’t want my head examined too much without it sounding like complete bullshit. I’ll have to work on it before he brings it up again.


	34. Avenger Chat Log: Codex

**Commander Weir:** Do we know where the Resistance is dropping our next supply cache?

**CO Bradford:** You know I don't.

**Commander Weir:** I was hoping you'd hear something through the grapevine.

**CO Bradford:** If I started hearing accurate reports about resistance plans that I shouldn't be hearing there'll be hell to pay.

**Commander Weir:** You aren't wrong.

**Commander Weir:** I asked because I'm going to hold off on attacking the Blacksite detailed in the information from the Codex brain until after our next supply drop.

**CO Bradford:** And you're hoping Shen and Tygan will decode more information about what to expect.

**Commander Weir:** That too.

**CO Bradford:** Current projections say they won't be done in time.

**Commander Weir:** A man can dream.

**CO Bradford:** What else do you dream about?

**Commander Weir:** Bring me dinner and I'll tell you.

**CO Bradford:** It's Chef's Surprise.

**Commander Weir:** Never mind.


	35. Cats and Dogs

We had our first animal sighting recently. A litter of kittens. Their mother was missing, and the kittens were starving. Someone in the science department, Dr. Amell, mixed together a formula to feed them. The crew is in love.

I adore animals, dogs especially, but we can’t keep them. I think they all knew this, but they tried to hide them from me anyway. Unfortunately it’s kind of hard to hide something like seven baby cats aboard a modest size ship. I’m sympathetic. Really, I am. But they had only managed to hide them from me for about half a day, and already my concerns were a reality.

While good for morale, they are disruptive. Not only that, but two crewmembers have discovered that they are very allergic. The pair are held up in the AWC on meds. Lily tentatively backed me up when I called on her. There are far too many ways a kitten could hurt themselves or even harm the Avenger’s wiring.

Best I could do was promise to find them a good home in the next outpost we stopped in. I kept my word, and delivered them personally to the outpost leader. That’s where things got complicated. The local leader, codename: Devil, told me that they would take them, but couldn’t guarantee that they could keep the kittens.

He told me a story about how the outpost once found a dog. On the rare occasion people did find an animal they were usually far from domesticated. But this dog was wounded, so they took it in. He healed up in record time. Soon the adorable thing became the outpost's mascot. They named him Charlie, training him in search and rescue.

One day, the dog came across that contagion. Crystals began to form on its snout and front paws. From there, it spread fast. They knew better than to let it back into the camp, but they didn’t have the heart to shoot it either.

It made it back to the outpost anyway. It stayed outside the perimeter, never entering, just watching. Eventually one of their watchmen got so unnerved he just put a round through it. It exploded in a cloud of dust like the infected were known to do. No one went near the body, but they could see the crystals spreading out from it. That’s when Devil ordered everyone to pack up and move. The incident required a full relocation, and he didn’t want the same thing to happen again. What if one of those cats came across the contagion? What if they succeeded in bringing it back? No one had seen what happens when it affects humans and they didn’t want to.

They most likely will not be keeping the kittens. I’ve kept this information from the rest of the crew. It’s not something they need on their minds.


	36. Rulers

Operative Winters killed the Berserker Queen only for Baker to turn a corner and find the Archon King having a nice conversation with one of its underlings. I think Central almost gave himself a concussion when he banged his head against the wall.

Needless to say, everyone is in the infirmary. Jay is in critical condition. He's very lucky, all things considered. The Archon King’s blazing pinions should have been the end of him. Instead he placed himself in a stasis field, when he came out of it, he was partially healed. He got back to the ship barely conscious, but he explained that when the pinions hit he fell into some kind of trance.

It would seem that while he can’t actively heal himself like I can, he can do so, but only under severe duress. It’s amazing the length the human body will go to protect itself.

We also have one more of Vahlen’s experiments to autopsy, and perhaps another macabre suit of armor. The Serpent Suit has been surprisingly useful. It makes it easier to consider repeating the process with the Berserker Queen.

The King unfortunately got away. I’m confident that it’ll be back sooner than I’d like. It is, by far, the meanest and most dangerous out of the trio. I am not looking forward to meeting it again.


	37. Avenger Chat Log: Bones

**Commander Weir:** Remember the bones I gave you? The ones from the old XCOM HQ? 

**CSO Tygan:** Yes.

**Commander Weir:** I need them compared to the anatomical information we received from the Codex stream you recently decoded. 

**CSO Tygan:** I see.

**Commander Weir:** And I need it done under table. No one except the two of us can know about this.

**CSO Tygan:** I suppose you cannot explain the purpose of this?

**Commander Weir:** Not yet. Apologies, Doctor.  

**CSO Tygan:** I will compile a full report when I finish my examination.

**Commander Weir:** No. No report. No records. Inform me in person.

**CSO Tygan:** Very well, Commander.


	38. Avatar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more personal speculation about the nature of the Ethereals and their plans.

No one thought skulljacking a Codex would be easy. Certainly I prepared for potential casualties, but I did not expect an attack by a fully formed Avatar. I had hoped the unfinished specimen from the clean room we stole was a sign of how far along the project was. The fact that they have a completed one could imply they have more. I doubt the Elders would send one if they didn’t have back ups waiting in wings.

It was nothing more than an empty husk controlled by an Elder. I could see it looming behind the Avatar like a grand puppeteer. I don’t know if anyone else saw it. I didn’t think to ask when everyone got back to the ship.

The thing was understandably powerful, but not ridiculously so. To be honest, I’m glad Jay was still recovering in the infirmary. I can imagine he would have been a priority to get rid of for the Elders. Too much of a potential threat with how powerful he was starting to become. But not powerful enough yet. Jay doesn’t need to be butting heads against an alien with a god complex.

It’s dead now. Menace came through. Kelly even dragged the corpse back well ahead of the scheduled bug out time. I couldn’t be more proud of them. They’re all down celebrating in the bar. I’m willing to over look a few drinks passed the limit, but a quick check of the security cameras shows everyone is engrossed in an impromptu Darts competition. At least they’re enjoying themselves.

The pieces are starting to fall into place. The puzzle is becoming a little more clear, and I wish it wasn’t. It’s looking more and more damning with each clue that turns up.

While Tygan does not yet have the ability to autopsy the Avatar corpse, he has finished his analyses of the bones I gave him. He confirmed that they match what we have on record about the Elders from the Codex data.

It can all be traced back to the Zudjari.

My theory, if true, is simple. I believe Ethereals have been possessing species whenever they need a flesh and blood body. For some reason their natural non-corporeal form isn’t cutting it. The bodies they currently occupy–genetically modified Zudjuri–have been breaking down. My guess is that the powerful psionics the Ethereals possess is catastrophic to most species. Except for humans. For some reason humans can handle it without eventually succumbing to severe muscular atrophy.

 **[REDACTED]** and Carter were proof of concept, and later my grandfather.

**[REDACTED]**


	39. Gate

It took us awhile to get in contact with the resistance cell located closest to the Blacksite Facility we found via the Codex brain. There were Chryssalids everywhere, and some strange glowing spores in the air. I had the ground team in quarantine until we could determine if those spores were harmless. There were far too many unknowns in this mission.

The Psi Gate we found at the site was retrieved with minimal wounds sustained. I don’t think they knew we were coming. The sudden appearance of the Gatekeeper was a surprise, but we dealt with it as we did everything else.

Baker and Operative Winters are in the infirmary (again). Both were wounded by Chryssalids. While Baker need to be administered the antidote for the poison, Jay does not. I believe his psionics neutralized it before it could enter his bloodstream. That does not change that the Chryssalid nearly gut him.

Lily and Tygan are examining the gate as I make this log. I left them as they were arguing over whether or not to use ROV-R. Lily was advocating using Julian instead. There would certainly be fewer tears if he is lost, but I don’t want him to end up back in ADVENT’s hands. He knows too much at this point.

Hopefully what they learn about the gate will give Tygan the knowledge he needs to autopsy the Avatar. I haven’t told anyone this, but since we brought it on board my nightmares have become more vivid. Disturbing, is probably a better word. It’s still psionically active. I’ve got it in quarantine, and the crew hasn’t been bothered since we stashed it away, but it’s still a problem for me.

I’ve checked multiple times to make sure the thing is dead, and it is. For all intents and purposes. The thing is, we just don’t know enough about it to know if a lack of heartbeat really matters. For all I know that just means it can’t move.

I think it’s communicating with me in my sleep. When I wake I don’t remember exactly what we spoke about. I just know that I’m distressed and aggravated. It’s enough to put me in a foul mood for the rest of the day. Everyone has noticed that I’m more surly than usual.

Central’s definitely noticed. I believe he’s going to attempt some well meaning and difficult to stomach gesture pretty soon. I’d be annoyed, but I’m starting to think I need an intervention.


	40. After?

I’ve been thinking more and more about what I’m going to do on the off chance I survive this whole thing. I think the best idea is to disappear for awhile. People may look to me for guidance, and it’s the last thing the Earth needs. It would be so easy to establish myself in a position of power in the vacuum ADVENT will leave behind. People might even insist on it. That won’t happen if I’m no longer around.

I don’t know where I’d go, but I guess anywhere remote would be good. The important thing is that no one finds me. Which means telling very few people. Somehow I doubt I’ll get away with not telling Central where I’m going. The man would probably track me down if I left without a word, defeating the whole purpose.

I wonder if he’d come with me if I asked?


	41. Checkup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Central appreciation in this chapter.

I’ve put off a medical checkup for months. Both Tygan and myself have been too busy to give it much thought. Until now. Somehow the doctor has found the time in his busy schedule and all but forced me to do the same. Bastard got Central on his side.

It went about as well as I expected. I’m exhausted and my brain chemistry has become stranger since the last time he looked me over. Strangely, Tygan didn’t insist on further scans of my brain. He seemed almost disinterested as a matter of fact. I suppose if anyone on the ship suspects the truth about myself, it would be him. It doesn’t explain why he’s so calm about it, though. Maybe it’s as simple as he understands. That’s a refreshing thought.

I declined the sleeping pills he offered on the grounds that I need to be alert in case of an emergency. He suggested that I take an hour of downtime before I try and sleep. No work, no screens, and minimal stress.

I have some old paper books in my room that I haven’t looked at since I first arrived. All I know is that they belong to Central. There’s books on military history, economy, and on mathematics so complicated my eyes crossed. People joke about his intelligence, but he isn’t a dumb man. Before XCOM, Central worked logistics in military intelligence. I wouldn’t get anywhere without his ability to organize and budget. If it wasn’t for him, chances are that we’d run out of grenades or medkits or bullets. There’s a reason our ‘paycheck’ goes through him first. Central makes sure we have the essentials before letting me play with the rest. He sorts through the confusing reports and gives me the relevant highlights. That report about a rumored Intel cache that we could check out probably came in with a dozen other flimsy rumors that weren’t worth our time.

He’s also the person who dropped off a stack of books in various genres to my quarters without a note. I didn’t ask him too. I just told him about Tygan’s suggestion over lunch, and joked that while economics would put me to sleep it would also give me a nasty headache. 

The Count of Monte Cristo and Moby Dick are among the books he delivered. I wonder if he’s read them?


	42. Julian Part Two

I’m seriously considering tossing Julian off the Avenger. While it’s in the air. Preferably somewhere over the Pacific.

He ‘let is slip’ that I had planned to kill myself to evade capture. I’ve spent the last four hours trying to convince Central that I am not suicidal. I just think there are worse things than death. 

Like being used to enslave your whole race for twenty years.

So yes, my self-preservation instincts are a bit lacking, and I think the universe is a rotten place. That doesn’t mean that I’m actually going to kill myself. Sadly, Central read between the lines and heard my unsaid ‘unless I was about to be captured again’.

For heaven’s sake, I’ve worked on classified ops almost my whole life. Suicide instead of capture is the unspoken rule. 

To which he replied with, “you aren’t a nameless black ops agent. You’re the most important person on the planet.”

I wasn’t expecting him to have a comeback ready. This man has a way of surprising me. It’s about time I stopped underestimating him.

I can understand where he’s coming from, though. A small part of Central’s job is to watch my back. If I’m ever in a position to be captured, he sees it as a failure on his part. If I’m dead then he can never correct his ‘mistake’. I told him that wasn’t how things worked, and he gave me the look you give someone who has completely missed the point. 

We talked with pure honesty for hours. We just cleared the air between us. Things we were too hesitant to voice since he rescued me. It was good, I think. For the both of us. 

It did raise questions. There were times during the conversation that it almost seemed like he _knew_. I almost spilled too much because of it. What if he doesn’t? The thought (and his potential reaction) honestly scares me more than anything else.

As for Julian, he’s been temporarily shut up by Lily, but she doesn’t think he necessarily he did anything wrong. In my opinion, talking about superior officers behind their backs is offense enough. At least where that damned AI is concerned.


	43. Archon King

The Archon King proved to be more cautious than its associates. Until now, we hadn't seen it since the first time it appeared. It’s caution did not pay off, however. Menace managed to defeat it due to some quick reflexes on Montoya’s part. It’s a damned good thing he never leaves base without the Boltcaster. He stunned it long enough for Kelly to finish it off with two well-placed shotgun blasts to its gut.

Vahlen’s creations have all been put to rest. Wherever she is, I hope she’s pleased with the outcome. She put so much time and energy into them, but for us it’s just one more autopsy. One more suit of armor. I'm taking a certain bloodthirsty satisfaction in all of this. I need to watch it. The change from Commander to Warlord can be a subtle one.


	44. Julian Part Three

Julian and I had a nice talk today. We even managed it without violence. If I’m being reasonable, then I have to admit a good deal of his current personality isn’t his fault. It’s ADVENT. I wasn’t the only one captured for twenty years, after all. The difference is I’m not easily reprogrammed like a machine is.

I think Lily has been trying to undo what they did, but the problem is Julian has evolved so much on his own since then. Unfortunately, he evolved on the groundwork ADVENT laid, not what Raymond created.

Turns out that Julian recalls only a little of his time as XCOM’s AI. The night of the raid and playing poker with me on slow hours are his two biggest memories from that time. So we sat down and played a round of Texas Hold ‘Em as we talked. It was a nice distraction to prevent either of us getting worked up.

Julian has thought a lot about death over the years. My ‘attempted suicide’ and ADVENT’s work impressed the reality of it into him. He is more than aware of just how mortal he is, how malleable. He tried to take steps to prevent his own death or indoctrination. More than anything he wants to go on just being himself. No matter how screwed up. That's something I can respect.

To that end, I don’t have to worry about him betraying us to ADVENT. He wants the Elders dead as much as I do. After that, we’ll just see what happens.


	45. Autopsy

Tygan began the autopsy on the Avatar last night. He ended up confirming my worst fears. An Elder was still clinging to the corpse. Taking it out of quarantine allowed it to escape. It could be dead. It might not be. I’m still unclear about how long an Ethereal can survive without a host of some type, or at least something to cling to.

I did a snap inspection to make sure the Elder hadn’t possessed anyone on board. The Avenger appears clean. Good thing too. A fight between it and me would be disastrous.

According to Tygan, the Avatar is a perfect hybrid of human and the Elders' current hosts. Presumably, they are using the best of both sets of DNA. Notably whatever it is in humans that prevents the Ethereal’s powerful Psi abilities from causing severe muscular atrophy.

Privately, Tygan has confided that the combination of Zudjari and Human psi potential is a terrifying prospect. It will allow the Elders the full use of their Psi abilities without fear of destroying their host.

I’m struggling to figure out how much of this I can tell my senior staff. I’ve already told Tygan a great deal. I’m confident in his ability to remain objective and calm with the knowledge. Lily and Central are a different story.

Neither of them are idiots. I believe they suspect at least some of what I’m keeping from them. In fact, I’m kind of surprised that they haven’t confronted me yet. Maybe they’re keeping it for when the war is over. Assuming we survive this.

 

 


	46. Spokesman

The Spokesman is dead. I almost can’t believe it. The first time I encountered the individual was back in the early nineties. He had conducted an interview with me I hadn’t understood then. I know now he was putting together a shortlist for the commander position in the event XCOM needed to be reactivated. 

Afterwards, it was him who ordered me clued in to at least some of my grandfather’s history. I still don’t know why he did it. What he had to gain from it. My best guess is he wanted me to be aware of XCOM’s past, because I was on the top of the list. 

I never thanked him for the small honesty he showed me. I know it must have cost him something. Now that I’m thinking about it, I never thanked him for making John my second. He must have vetted a thousand unknowing applicants before finding someone who complimented me. 

Someone who accepts me despite of my _many_ flaws. 

Montoya, Operative Winters, and Baker are on their way to the to disrupt the Psi Network, as per his final instructions. That goddamned Psi Network I was stuck in for twenty years. Because it wasn’t just the Zudjari bodies they had to steal, the Elders had to take Mosaic as well. They made me operate it like Origin made **[REDACTED]** operate it. Those goddamned out of touch monsters.


	47. Mirror, Darkly

They plan on hooking me back up to the Psi Network to remote control the Avatar that Tygan is growing in a tube as I write this. The irony is killing me.

At least I won’t be possessing that _thing_ like the Elders do. I’ll still be on the Avenger in body and spirit. Which is a good thing, because there isn’t a force in this universe that could get me into that Frankenstein creation. Just looking at it makes me sick.

I have to keep this short, as I don’t have a lot of time. There’s one more thing I have to do before I go.


	48. In The Event Of My Death...

Dear John,

If you’re reading this, then I didn’t survive. There are many things in my life I regret, but dying to set right this wrong isn’t one of them. 

I've come to realize you know the truth about me. Was it the Spokesman who told you or did you figure it out yourself? I suppose it doesn’t matter. 

I haven’t discussed it with you because I’m terrified of what you actually think on the subject. But, you know, as I wait for Tygan to call my down to the Labs, I’ve been sitting here remembering all the time we spent together. You _knew_ , but you held me and let me hold you. You _knew_ , but you kissed me anyway. _The way you smiled at me when it was just the two of us._

I think I’ve been rather silly being afraid to talk to you. I should know by now I can tell you anything. 

Never in my life, have I met a better man than you. Knowing you and being with you has been an honor and a blessing. The sea could dry up, the sky could fall, but as long as we were side by side none of that would matter to me.   
  
I know I’m not the easiest person to be around sometimes. I know I can be an asshole when I’m in one of my moods, to the point where I often wonder why you put up with me. You shouldn’t, but you do anyway. I am so, so grateful that you’re still here when I come to my senses. I don’t say this enough, but I love you, John. More than anything. 

-Will


	49. Future

I’m still alive. No one is more surprised than me. Central never doubted me for a second, and lucky for me, he never had to read that awkward, rambling last letter I wrote to him. The Elders are dead. There’s finally a tomorrow for humanity.

A tomorrow that haunts me. Anything can happen. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a good way. The Elders are dead, but I have this horrible sinking feeling that the threat has yet to pass.

I had hoped after the war  my nightmares would pass. Instead, I dream of the same thing every night. Water and crystals. There’s something in the sea. I’m certain of it. John wasn’t surprised, or even upset when I told him. He had already figured it wouldn’t be that easy.

John.

I spent all that time quickly editing my journal in the event of my death. He never even had the time to consider snooping through my things. Even if he had thought of it.

We’re lying low in what used to be a national park right now. The ranger station we’ve taken up residence in was once a safe house of John’s before he managed to organize a new XCOM. Off the radar, but not so much so that someone couldn’t find us in case of an emergency.

It’s funny. I told him I was leaving, and he just looked at me and asked where we were going. Because of course he was going to follow me. There never should have been any doubt.

Before we left, I finally brought up Asaru to him. As I suspected, he already knew. The reason he never brought it up himself was because he wasn’t sure if _I_ knew. He was afraid that if he told me, I wouldn’t take it well and he couldn’t afford me breaking down from the knowledge during the war. He had two decades to come to grips with it, I didn’t have that kind of time. 

Job first, everything else second. That’s what we promised each other when we began our ill conceived relationship. We both honored that in our own ways, but now that doesn’t have to be the case. It’s a weight off our shoulders. We plan on enjoying it while the peace lasts. 


End file.
